10 Things That Were Relevant in 1999

1999 was an exciting time for mankind. It marked the end of a millennium, Will Smith had a music career and we all happily dreamed of a bright future with hover cars and robots that will fetch us beer.

For those of you who were too young to enjoy this period, imagine a time where you didn't check into social media every five minutes and with the limited variety of online connectivity you actually engaged in meaningful conversations. Not just a status update “I’m hungry, what kind of sandwich should I eat?”

I created a list of things that were relevant back in 1999 to not only make some of you feel like a senior citizen but to allow us to reflect on how awesome we had it.

1. Y2K Apocalypse

I’ll start with this because it was a major ‘problem’ that was sensationalized by the media and scared the sanity out of some people. The Y2K or Millennium bug was the idea that when the calendar hits the year 2000, computers worldwide will systematically crash causing all out chaos. It stemmed from many computers using a numerical format that didn't account for after 1999.

Somehow it went from companies having an IT headache to a full blown apocalypse where people began hording non-perishable foods in a bunker to prepare for the return of Christ.

I’m not going to lie at the time I got caught up in the hype too, not as much as some people but to the point that on New Year’s Eve when the countdown started I began to look for escape routes in case shit just started to explode.Of course when it hit midnight nothing happened, I was kind of disappointed. I wasn't let down for the fact that we all didn't die but Y2K got hyped up so much and we didn't even get a flicker in the lights.

2. The Matrix Released

Yes that movie that introduced us to “bullet time” effects and protagonists with really bad fashion sense. Watching it now it hasn't aged well but back then when Neo danced around those oncoming bullets we all deep down wanted to be shot at so we can try it.

The movie however did do some harm. It spawned a generation of people who found trench coats and sunglasses to be an appropriate fashion choice to wear in public. The problem is, unless you’re Lawrence Fishburne or Keanu Reeves wearing that outfit just makes you look like a registered sex offender.

Ever since The Matrix was brought to the silver screen everything from movies, TV and video games have borrowed from it. The franchise later on released two more movies which had a better sequel but the third completely ruined the trilogy.

3. Playing Snake on Old Nokia Phones

Before there was Flappy Bird, Angry Birds or a slew of mindless games that pollute the app store waiting to take our money we spent our time on the toilet trying to beat our own score in Snake. Remember that addictive game you played on those indestructible phones? I mean come on you can throw old Nokias at a moving bus, pick it up and start playing Snake.

 The game itself was far from a milestone in gaming, it was simply a bunch of lit up pixels that formed a line that swallowed up other lit pixels to make it grow. The major appeal was the fact that we can play games on our mobile phones, cool!

Something has to be said for the cell phones as well. Getting polyphonic ringtones that sounded almost like your favorite song but falls short because it really sounds like a broken ice cream truck, or taking your phone to Chinese knock off stores and modding your antenna so it lights up in different colors. How about having to press three times to hit one letter on your phone till it auto suggests a completely wrong word?

While the handsets we have now make these phones look like fossils, at least they were able to handle a 4 foot drop to the floor. Cell phones now are built to be handled in a fully padded room with little to no gravity.

4. Bluetooth 1.0

Yes folks, the year 1999 was the first year we were introduced to douche bag jewelry. Bluetooth in its early stage was far from functional. Many users reported having trouble syncing with their handsets along with crap sound quality. That didn’t stop people from donning the hunk of plastic in their ear that made sure they looked schizophrenic when accepting calls in public places.  

People in general always want the newest innovative technology that makes them even lazier, so I can see why Bluetooth technology took off. Not to mention it had a sleek, futuristic look which at the time we were all on the verge of entering into the year 2000 so in our minds this was the start to a world of holograms and interplanetary exploration.

5. The Floppy Disc

The floppy disc is a chilling reminder of how insignificant our technology was compared to now. The most common disc had a total storage capacity of 1.44 megabytes. To put this into perspective, a single song today ranges from 3MB to 10MB so that means a floppy disc can’t even store one full length song.

To those who were too young in the late 90’s, this might be a shocker considering companies now have USB flash drives that hold up to a terabyte of data which is about 1048576 megabytes. Granted we only used those to store pictures, word documents and the occasional MS-Dos game but even then it was a burden to try and store a big file over 3 different discs.

6. Dreamcast R.I.P

The video game industry was taken by storm in 1999 with the release of Sega’s Dreamcast, one of my personal favorite video game systems of all time. This was forward thinking at its finest where the controller had a virtual screen that acted as a memory card while providing in-game information.

The games were beyond weird with titles including the not-so smash hit “Seamen” where you care for a fish with a photo realistic human face. The game turned out to be a glorified Tamagochi. It was games like this that made the Dreamcast eventually fail all together but for those who stuck with Sega to the very end we got to enjoy classics like Jet Set Radio, Power Stone and Sonic Adventure.

If we skip to today you can see consoles adopting some things from the Dreamcast like the new Wii-U which uses controllers with a tablet built in to provide a different way to play your games. I think Dreamcast fell short because it was way ahead of its time.

7. Teen Movies 

1999 brought us an abundance of teen movies which we all loved. Teen movies were an attempt to glamorize the struggles of an average middle class teenager trying to claim their first sexual experience. Many of these movies were predictable, full of cliches and riddled with bad acting but we enjoyed the tongue and cheek sexual humor they provided.

You may remember a few of these movies growing up, I personally watch some to this day for fun just to see how lame we were. A few teen movies released in 1999 were:

• Cruel Intentions
• American Pie
• 10 Things I Hate About You
• Never Been Kissed
• Varsity Blues
• Drive Me Crazy
• She’s All That

This was a time where it was cool to be Freddy Prinze Jr. Men fantasized about Jennifer Love Hewitt and girls wanted to be Melissa Joan Hart. These actors really showed us how not to be in a real life situations because it most likely got you a bullied.

8. The Discman

The giant “portable” music device that was next to impossible to store in your jeans. What the discman lacked in headphone size it made up in physical width. How we were able to carry these musical dinner plates around with us is still a mystery to me but we made it work because music on the go was essential to avoiding awkward encounters on the bus.

Sony was leading the market with these CD players. It was innovative at the time because we were able to skip and restart tracks instantly unlike the predecessor Walkman cassette players which I won’t even get started on because that's a whole other ball game. 

Apparently as time went on the devices became smaller while the headphones became bigger. Now were left holding an inch wide iPod shuffle listening to gigabytes of music with our massive recording studio quality Beats by Dre headphones. 

9. Rap and Rock United

When most people think of late 90's music the first thing that comes to mind is the whole boy band mess. Now it was a very big thing back then but what dominated the charts was this rap/rock movement where artists rapped hardcore lyrics to a rock riffs. Artists like Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, Korn and Kid Rock were at the top of the charts.

In true hip hop fashion they even took a word and just misspelled it for the sake of being edgy. The band Korn even had a backwards "R" in their name because apparently being illiterate was hardcore. It's not that I hate Korn, I loved the video with the slow motion bullet but I can't get into a band who's named after a farm plant.

10. Living in a Pokemon World

Back when there was only 150 Pokemon and it was physically possible to memorize all of them. Those days are long gone, now there are 649. God speed children.

Pokemon cards were being traded like currency in the schools. You could give your friend a Bulbasaur to pay off a slurpee debt. The card game brought out the worst in people though, I remember seeing friendships severed over Pokemon. Your chance of getting a girlfriend depended on how strong your deck was.

The T.V. show was typical seizure inducing Japanese anime but the theme song makes you want to be a better person in life. If you Youtube the theme song I guarantee it will be stuck in your head for the rest of the day.

As we reach the end of the list by now you must be missing your childhood. Back then we were excited to see what happens in the future. Ever since the "Willenium" we've been blessed with iPads, Androids, robots, cars that self drive, and the ability to regrow body parts. Pretty good if I may say so myself but still no hover cars.

The Best PSA Commercials of Our Generation

If you were a product of the 80s then chances are you've lived and seen the best PSA commercials to ever grace television. Now don’t get me wrong, most of these commercials looked like a half assed film school project but for some reason they receded permanently into the depths of my mind.

Maybe it was the message or how they told it, but they always found a way to inform us about the dangers of the world. I pity the new generation who has to grow up watching commercial breaks featuring “Real Housewives” throwing fine china at each other. Don’t you miss the good ol’ days when you watch a show and you got a positive message out of it?

 For instance Saved by the Bell did an episode on drug use where after the show the whole cast stood together and said “Remember kids dope is for dopes.”  Every episode of Full House rectified a problem with one of Danny Tanners famous words of wisdom (His words were meant for us, the viewer, not Michelle).

This is what made us so awesome. Do you think we turned out great because of good parenting and school? Get a grip. I'm here to show you six memorable public service announcements that will take you on a trip down memory lane. 

Astar (The War Amp PSA)

“I am Astar, I live on planet Danger” Remember this careless idiot who felt the need to jump through a gauntlet of spinning blades and loose electrical wires? I’m going to be honest here and say that I thought about doing some crazy stuff because I saw Astar do it, but when his arm get sawed off shit got real. Now you might be thinking “Why the hell do you want to live on planet Danger?” Well besides the fact its lovely in the summer time, Astar proudly mentions “I can put my arm back on. You can’t”. That bold statement sucked the invincibility right out of my body and made me look both ways crossing the street ever since.

He’s My Brother (Drug  PSA)

Time to bust out the Kleenex. This powerful drug PSA was so memorable because the acting was surprisingly good for a 90’s ad. It featured someone who hit rock bottom and reminisced about seeing his brother who was always there for him. He decided to take a stroll down the hospital corridor and guess who he runs into? His brother! Keep in mind that they got that song by The Hollies playing in the background which made it even more of a tear jerker. At the end the inevitable depressing voice chimes in “If you try and stop a friend from using drugs, you may not succeed. But at least you tried and that’s what friends are for”. To this day I find this inspiring because they're telling you, even though you think there’s no hope for your friend you owe it to them to try.

Louie the Lightning Bug (Electricity PSA)

We all remember this shiny pest who floated through our T.V. sets during Fresh Prince. His advice was always well received in the form of a catchy jingle. My favorite one was the one about playing it cool around cords. To this day when I watch this commercial and that creepy jazz spider swings by I laugh every time. What was Louie’s advice? Don’t pull cords by the actual cord. What? So to this day you mean to tell me that I've been pulling cords out entirely wrong? My whole life is a lie, how have I made it this far alive?

Peewee Herman (Drug PSA)

I don’t know what’s funnier about this PSA; the fact that Peewee’s sitting in a dark room holding crack or the sheer irony of him teaching us not to do drugs. I mean come on! Have you seen Peewee’s Playhouse? He has a giant talking chair, a floating angry puppet, a dancing robot and a giant sphinx on top of his house with a uni-brow. If that doesn’t scream hallucinogens then I don’t know what does. The actor who played Peewee (Paul Reubens) was charged with indecent exposure at a pornographic theater and later charged with possession of marijuana. He was forced as a condition of his sentence to create a PSA.

Kids Finding a Needle (Finding a Needle PSA)

Well that escalated quickly. These kids had a slight over reaction when they came across a needle. Where I’m from when you spot a needle you walk over it and continue your conversation. They took it upon themselves to dart across the city on foot screaming about the dangers of needles before stopping and sending the guy with a skateboard to guard the HIV infested needle. This is why we need video games people! So your kids aren’t outside defending dirty needles.  

Stranger Danger! (Pedophile PSA)

This was such a funny PSA to me even as a kid because it was so ridiculous. Watching it today, I honestly believe they used a few real pedophiles in this commercial. Skip to 0:25 and witness one for yourself. That guy played the creep a little too well and seemed way too comfortable hitting on a little boy. The message of this PSA is clear. Trust nobody. If someone needs a helping hand, turn around and run the other way really, really fast.

I find it troubling we don’t have more cheesy PSA’s today, maybe if we did then kids wouldn't be out huffing bath salts and eating the faces off their peers. On second thought they probably would but at least they would do it knowing Peewee Herman’s disappointed in them. If you have any commercials you feel deserve an honorable mention please post in the comments below!

Two Racists Who Need To Stop Talking

What do a crusty old cattle rancher and a high profile NBA coach have in common? They both hate black people. Okay, the redneck rancher is maybe not a big surprise but an NBA coach is probably the most ironic story I've heard in a minute. Both of these individuals have reopened the delicate topic of racism within our society, which is a good thing because it’s clearly an issue that stands today.

Cliven Bundy

I want to start off with Cliven Bundy because his story is so ridiculous it made me laugh. This Nevada renegade got into trouble when he graced us with his brilliant idea to “save” black people:

“I want to tell you one more thing I know about the Negro.”

“In front of that government house the door was usually open and the older people and the kids – and there is always at least a half a dozen people sitting on the porch – they didn’t have nothing to do. They didn’t have nothing for their kids to do. They didn’t have nothing for their young girls to do.”

“Because they were basically on government subsidy, so now what do they do? They abort their young children, they put their young men in jail, because they never learned how to pick cotton. And I’ve often wondered, are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life and doing things, or are they better off under government subsidy? They didn’t get no more freedom. They got less freedom.”

Gee whiz, tell us how you really feel Mr.Bundy.  What you’re implying is African Americans who are unemployed and thrive off subsidized living should revert back to picking cotton because it gives them something to do? Sure, slavery was a bummer but at least they were productive!

Obviously this man is a lunatic but did you know he’s also a hypocrite? Recently Cliven Bundy had a disagreement with the government over unpaid grazing fees for his cattle. This dispute has been going on for over 20 years and his refusal to pay resulted in an armed standoff against law enforcement.

Oh, so you’re cattle can live off government land but African Americans shouldn’t? The difference is some lower income families rely on subsidized living to survive, where as you just don’t want to pay the bill.

Republicans often revered this moron as a gleaming patriot who fought for what he believed in. They used him as a figure to connect with the right wing but quickly went running for the hills when he got a little too comfortable speaking publicly. I understand we all have the right for freedom of speech but that also means I have the right to call this man a withered, uneducated pylon.

Donald Sterling

Owner of the L.A. Clippers has had a long history of having his foot in his mouth. Just last week he was recorded having a conversation with his wife and had some sound advice for posting Instagrams of her hanging out with Magic Johnson: 

“It bothers me a lot that you want to broadcast that you’re associating with black people. Do you have to?”

“You can sleep with [black people]. You can bring them in; you can do whatever you want. The little I ask you is to not promote it on that….and not to bring them to my games.”

“Don’t put him [Johnson] on an Instagram for the world to have to see so they have to call me. And don’t bring him to my games.”

Well that was a fun career while it lasted. It’s safe to say he’s now the most hated man in America. Even his own team showed up to a game against Golden State with their jerseys inside out and wearing matching black armbands to protest his disgusting remarks.

If you don’t want black people attend your basketball games, then don’t own a basketball team. Some people feel his words were taken out of context and that the fact he’s dating a half black/half Hispanic woman gives him a pass. It doesn't.

This wasn't his first case of bigotry either. This is just the first time he will truly answer for his stupidity. Over the years he has allegedly been quoted saying the following:

“I wanna know why you think you can coach these niggers.” (Allegedly said to potential coach Rollie Massimino, 1983)

“I don’t like Mexican men because they smoke, drink and just hang around the house” (On signing Danny Manning, 1988)

“That’s because of all the blacks in this building, they smell, they’re not clean.” (Testimony from a former property supervisor, 2002)

I’m not exactly sure how he got away with allegedly saying this in the past but it looks like his coaching days are numbered. A huge list of sponsors have already disbanded from the Clippers in an attempt to save face. Mercades, State Farm, Red Bull and Kia are just a few that want off this sinking ship. 

I try my best to put ignorance on blast whenever I get the chance because something like racism simply shouldn't exist today. Familiarizing yourself with other cultures is the best way to combat this stupidity. I understand that you don't have to like your neighbors for your own personal reasons but just remember, if you remove the pigment of ones skin you are the exact same build as everyone else on this planet.  

6 of the Weirdest Sexual Fetishes

Sex is without a doubt the main reason why we get up in the morning. We brush our teeth so our smile can charm the opposite sex, we buy nice clothes so we look attractive and we even perform stupid acts of bravado to impress our crush. Being human means we’re all unique so how we get our engines revved depends entirely on the person. Some folks enjoy simple intercourse with the love of a beautiful  partner and others prefer to be whipped senselessly, tied up, while a person dressed as cat woman pours hot wax on your face (how romantic).  At the end of the day there’s no right or wrong way to get your kicks but that doesn't mean I can’t poke fun at the extremely bizarre sexual acts and with that I give you the six weirdest fetishes.

Oculolinctus : Licking Eyeballs

Have you ever met someone and you were instantly turned on because of their beautiful eyes? Have you ever then thought about licking that person’s eye balls? Me neither. This fetish started in Japan from children within the school system getting a little too frisky. Tonguing down pupils quickly spread and even acquired a nickname called ‘worming’. It’s pretty clear the danger involved here, sticking any foreign object into your eye ball, never mind a human tongue can cause damage. If someone has bad breath it’s a sign of halitosis which means they have a lot of bacteria. Harmful germs can get into the eye and cause severe infections.

Paraphilic Infantilism: Being Treated Like an Infant

Now when they made adult diapers I don’t think they had this in mind. Paraphilic infantilism is a rare fetish where an adult gets arousal from being treated like a baby. Typically the ‘adult baby’ prefers to wear diapers and bibs while drinking from a baby bottle. One extreme case was reported by the American Journal of Psychiatry that documented a 20 year old man who would wear a diaper under rubber pants and proceed to defecate in them. The result was being able to achieve an orgasm without even masturbating. Someone with ‘adult baby syndrome’ will hire a fake mother and pay them to take care, feed and give them love. Many even sleep in a large crib.

Coprophilia: A Special Love for Poop

Nothing screams I’m attracted to you like taking a dump in someone’s mouth. This fetish requires you to have a strong stomach because it’s gaining sexual pleasure from defecating on someone or vice versa. Coprophilia is also known as ‘scat’ in the porn world and I’m sure many of you experienced this from the horrors of Two Girls One Cup at some point in time. Scat is based on dominance and is seen as a form of BDSM. When one delivers a mouth full of last night’s Taco Bell it promotes humiliation and control over the partner. The danger is extreme in this case because human feces are a haven for bacteria and disease but the transferring of HIV and Hepatitis are also a considerable risk.

Nosolagnia: Getting Turned on by Anothers Misfortune

This is a very strange preference indeed. Nosolagnia is a fetish involving being aroused from learning that one’s partner has a terminal illness. Yes, you read that correctly. Some people find it attractive to learn that their wife has cancer. Now don’t go shaming these people, many of them feel remorse for this as they cannot help what their brain finds pleasurable. This condition generally goes untreated because it’s rare and those who have it probably keep it to themselves but either way this fetish is really bizarre.

Avisodomy: Sex With Birds

If anyone from PETA is reading I advise you to skip this one. Avisodomy is an attraction to sleeping with birds. This dated back to ancient Greece mythology where a figure Leda, the mother of Troy was raped by Zeus in the form of a bird. There are some pretty disturbing facts about this fetish that would make Big Bird migrate from Sesame Street. Reports claim that people in certain rural areas penetrate their winged friend and right before climax they cut the neck causing the bird to convulse thus making the orgasm much more pleasurable.

Klismaphilia: Your Worst Enema

This act of sexual dominance requires a tube and a bunch of fluid. When a doctor performs an enema they insert a tube into your colon and flush out any undesirable things within your system. Now you can kind of imagine where the ‘sexy time’ might come in for Klismaphiliacs. The Journal of Gastrointestinal Surgery examined a case where a 27 year old patient was using a masonry adhesive called epoxy resin for sexual gratification through the back door. Clearly inserting construction adhesives into your rectum isn’t the safest way to satisfy your needs but the real danger is inserting the tube which can cause ruptures within the rectum. 

If you’re ever looking to spice things up in the bedroom with your partner I urge you to not try any of these but if you're feeling a little bit naughty and want to give it a go, no judgment here. Sex is a complicated and often taboo subject but if it’s not hurting someone or something else then to each their own. 

The Most Awkward Situations and How To Conquer them

Hey..ya...so...what's up

Awkward situations are by far the worst and they're also inevitable. I hate awkward, even the word awkward is spelled...well awkwardly. At some point in your life you're going to encounter a scenario where you want to crawl into a hole and die from embarrassment. I have spent my life dealing with these situations and I've devised certain tactics in order to avoid looking like an idiot. Today I want to impart my wisdom on to you so that one day you can emerge victorious in a socially awkward spot.

Early Eye Contact

Have you ever been walking in the mall and see someone you don't necessarily hate but don't want to talk to at the same time? Your first reaction is to look down at your phone and pretend you're "busy" but then you accidentally look up and lock eyes? At this point you get the head nod and It's too late, you're up shits creek without a paddle my friend. Don't worry though, there's still hope. The difference between a simple walk-by "hey, c ya" and a 10 minute discussion about where you're working is all in the body language. Try walking upright and confidently increase your walking speed as if you're "late for a meeting". Most people will catch on to this hint and allow you to pass by but there's always those few who live to invade your personal space. If they decide to stop for conversation what you need are pre-loaded excuses. I have a stockpile of excuse ammunition ready in case i'm stuck in this scenario, If the person stops simply say "Hey! Good to see you, a wizard gave my cat leukemia so i'm rushing to find healing potions." Clearly don't use that but you get the point.


Three's a Party Until One Leaves

Everyone's been in this predicament. You're hanging out with your good friend who decided to bring a third buddy to tag along. The three of you are engaged in endless conversation and the vibes amazing (three best friends that anyone could have) then...it happens. Your friend decides to take a bathroom break leaving you alone with your new pal. Have you noticed that the conversation at this point goes from talk show to a complete, silent lull? You're both sitting there realizing you have nothing to talk about. The best play here may sound harsh but desperate times call for desperate measures. While you both may have nothing in common you can at least unite over a playful roast of the person who left you out to dry. Don't be harsh, be comical. Say something like "What do you think that assholes doing a number 1 or a 2?" Chances are the reply will be a similar jab and you both can spend the entire time sharing the intimate bonding experience of tearing apart your friend till he returns (Oh, hey you're back! That was fast).

Bailing in Public

Everybody falls, this is a natural part of life. Imagine taking a stroll downtown during the icy winter and you just so happen to hit that one patch of ice that sends you to an early demise. You now have an audience of gawking civilians kicking themselves for not having their camera phones out, so what do you do? Many of you will feel the urge to turn red as a stop light and flea the scene but the rule is if you look awkward chances are people will feel awkward for you. My advice is to stand up, dust yourself off, look one of the witnesses dead in their eye ball and make fun of yourself. Ask them "You're the judge today, how would you rate my fall out of 10?" Most likely they will say something like 8 out of 10 then reply "Oh...well I guess i'll try harder next time." At this point you will make that person smile while taking away from your clearly embarrassing moment and you'll both have a funny story to tell later on.


Waving to the Wrong Person

Whoops! This one hits close to home for me. I spent the better part of my life not realizing that I needed glasses, so I assumed the world was just one big blurry mess. There have been countless times I waved to a distorted blob with similar characteristics of someone I knew but then they emerged and it was a complete stranger. Usually at this point they look at me like i'm about to sexually assault them. Instead of apologizing and lowering your head in shame, just approach the person and ask any question. "What directions North?" at least they'll think you were flagging them down for a stupid question rather than just waving at them like a creep.


Failed Handshakes

Men suffer from this awkward position more than women. As a man we're expected to know a vast list of complicated handshakes ranging from the simple fist pound to a full blown choreographed interpretive dance. The worst part is, everyone's different! Have you ever met someone for the first time and you go in for the fist pound but they go in with the open hand thumb lock? It doesn't work and you're both left broken and lost. This can demolish your first impression especially if you're trying to act cool or something. I find the best way to deal is to once again address the elephant in the room. Say something like "Oh...you're one of those" poke fun at the situation to take a bit of the weirdness out.  "I'm willing to try again if you are." By quickly drumming up a witty response will most likely recover what little dignity you have left and maybe salvage the first impression.

I hope with my past social failures I was able to provide some clear direction on what to do in times of peril. The best way to avoid feeling embarrassed is to act like it doesn't bother you and utilize comedy to change the dynamic of the situation. God speed to all you awkward people out there and remember there is a light at the end of every tunnel.

Reasons Why The Sea Isn't For Me

Humans are by far the most curious beings on this planet. We have the mental capacity to solve any problem that stops us from discovering. Can't fly? We built planes. Can't survive underwater? We made scuba suits. I like how we're able to overcome any obstacle with the power of our mind but I think the oceans vastness are something to leave the fuck alone.

Venturing into a body of water not knowing what's below me is not my idea of adventure it just plain stupid. You can throw me in a pool and i'll be Michael Phelps but when thrown off the side of a boat in the middle of the ocean I stop moving and give my life to Jesus. The reason for my phobia is that they claim we only discovered 5 percent of our planets waters. So..what you mean to tell me is within that small chunk of water we've found some of the scariest nightmare creatures on this planet and there's still 95 percent to go? That's a big hell no for me, with that said let me give you 5 reasons why unknown waters scare the shit out of me.

1) The Lamprey

Nope, I don't trust fresh water giant worm like beasts with teeth like that. This Starwars looking creature attaches himself to fish using suction and then proceeds to drain the bodily fluids out. While it may not present any danger to humans it's said that if it attaches itself to your skin it's hard to get off and it feels really uncomfortable. Would you want this thing on your leg? My point exactly.

2) The Angler Fish

This soul-less, godless sea monster lurks deep within the ocean. This is the animal kingdoms equivalent to a child molester. It uses an attractive decoy like a light to bring their victims close and then exposes their grim looking faces with giant teeth and steal you into their white van...I mean mouth. There's absolutely no reason for a fish to look this scary. 

3) Jelly Fish

This weird looking blob has baffled scientists since it's discovery. They have no brain or central nervous system but they operate as if they do. They patrol every body of water shallow and deep with no purpose but to scare the shit out of me. The Box jelly fish is one of the most dangerous sea creatures "alive" who's harpoon-like, venom injecting tentacles have caused almost 5,600 recorded deaths since 1954. I'll take my chances in my resorts hot tub thank you very much.

4) The Sarcastic Fringehead

Yes this oddly named fish may sound comical to the ear but to the eye it's a cross between predator and the vampire dogs from Blade Trinity. These are extremely aggressive animals who fiercely protect their surroundings against anything regardless of size. If you happen to swim over it's prized real estate (a mound of dirt on a shell maybe) be prepared to see what that mouth does. 

5) The Stargazer Fish

My god this fish is ugly. Not only does it have a face only a mother can love but it buries itself within the sand and points it's mug up to look for prey (or stupid humans). They're capable of catching prey more than double it's size and the fun doesn't stop there. It can also emit an electrical charge from behind it's eye which is more devastating outside water. Thanks nature!

So these are just a few of the reasons I choose the pool, I didn't even touch on sharks because Hollywood has done a good job on scaring us with them. I hope in the rest of the undiscovered ocean it gets a bit better but i'm going to assume the opposite. Next time you see a deep sea diver buy that man a beer. 

Showing You How to Make Kale Chips

Well folks I figure since my names Cale and i'm often compared to the vegetable, I might as well show you guys how to make kale chips. This is a delicious, healthy alternative to traditional chips which will prevent you from being that person on the beach with a t-shirt on.

To prepare this snack is fairly simple, all you'll need is:

• Green or black kale (I prefer black for taste...get your mind outta the gutter) 
• Olive oil
• Sea salt
• Lemon 
• Baking tray
• Water (I sincerely hope you have access to water) 

First preheat the oven to 300 degrees, take the kale and remove the stem in the center. I usually run a knife along the sides of the stem leaving just the leafy part of the vegetable.

Wash the vegetable thoroughly under cold water and make sure you pat it dry. By dry I mean not even a drop of water on it because wet kale doesn't evenly cook. 

Drizzle on a small amount of the olive oil and evenly coat it. It's important to only use only a little bit as it's just to give the kale that crunch. Too much olive oil and it will be soggy. 

Take a pinch of sea salt or how ever much you want and put it on the kale then lay the pieces evenly on a baking tray. Put the baking tray in the oven and leave it for 3 - 6 minutes. 

Frequently check your kale chips, an indicator that they're done will be how crispy it becomes. Take them out and add a few drops of lemon for taste and there you go! Drop the Pringles and start working towards a body you can be proud to call your own.