The Best PSA Commercials of Our Generation

If you were a product of the 80s then chances are you've lived and seen the best PSA commercials to ever grace television. Now don’t get me wrong, most of these commercials looked like a half assed film school project but for some reason they receded permanently into the depths of my mind.

Maybe it was the message or how they told it, but they always found a way to inform us about the dangers of the world. I pity the new generation who has to grow up watching commercial breaks featuring “Real Housewives” throwing fine china at each other. Don’t you miss the good ol’ days when you watch a show and you got a positive message out of it?

 For instance Saved by the Bell did an episode on drug use where after the show the whole cast stood together and said “Remember kids dope is for dopes.”  Every episode of Full House rectified a problem with one of Danny Tanners famous words of wisdom (His words were meant for us, the viewer, not Michelle).

This is what made us so awesome. Do you think we turned out great because of good parenting and school? Get a grip. I'm here to show you six memorable public service announcements that will take you on a trip down memory lane. 

Astar (The War Amp PSA)

“I am Astar, I live on planet Danger” Remember this careless idiot who felt the need to jump through a gauntlet of spinning blades and loose electrical wires? I’m going to be honest here and say that I thought about doing some crazy stuff because I saw Astar do it, but when his arm get sawed off shit got real. Now you might be thinking “Why the hell do you want to live on planet Danger?” Well besides the fact its lovely in the summer time, Astar proudly mentions “I can put my arm back on. You can’t”. That bold statement sucked the invincibility right out of my body and made me look both ways crossing the street ever since.

He’s My Brother (Drug  PSA)

Time to bust out the Kleenex. This powerful drug PSA was so memorable because the acting was surprisingly good for a 90’s ad. It featured someone who hit rock bottom and reminisced about seeing his brother who was always there for him. He decided to take a stroll down the hospital corridor and guess who he runs into? His brother! Keep in mind that they got that song by The Hollies playing in the background which made it even more of a tear jerker. At the end the inevitable depressing voice chimes in “If you try and stop a friend from using drugs, you may not succeed. But at least you tried and that’s what friends are for”. To this day I find this inspiring because they're telling you, even though you think there’s no hope for your friend you owe it to them to try.

Louie the Lightning Bug (Electricity PSA)

We all remember this shiny pest who floated through our T.V. sets during Fresh Prince. His advice was always well received in the form of a catchy jingle. My favorite one was the one about playing it cool around cords. To this day when I watch this commercial and that creepy jazz spider swings by I laugh every time. What was Louie’s advice? Don’t pull cords by the actual cord. What? So to this day you mean to tell me that I've been pulling cords out entirely wrong? My whole life is a lie, how have I made it this far alive?

Peewee Herman (Drug PSA)

I don’t know what’s funnier about this PSA; the fact that Peewee’s sitting in a dark room holding crack or the sheer irony of him teaching us not to do drugs. I mean come on! Have you seen Peewee’s Playhouse? He has a giant talking chair, a floating angry puppet, a dancing robot and a giant sphinx on top of his house with a uni-brow. If that doesn’t scream hallucinogens then I don’t know what does. The actor who played Peewee (Paul Reubens) was charged with indecent exposure at a pornographic theater and later charged with possession of marijuana. He was forced as a condition of his sentence to create a PSA.

Kids Finding a Needle (Finding a Needle PSA)

Well that escalated quickly. These kids had a slight over reaction when they came across a needle. Where I’m from when you spot a needle you walk over it and continue your conversation. They took it upon themselves to dart across the city on foot screaming about the dangers of needles before stopping and sending the guy with a skateboard to guard the HIV infested needle. This is why we need video games people! So your kids aren’t outside defending dirty needles.  

Stranger Danger! (Pedophile PSA)

This was such a funny PSA to me even as a kid because it was so ridiculous. Watching it today, I honestly believe they used a few real pedophiles in this commercial. Skip to 0:25 and witness one for yourself. That guy played the creep a little too well and seemed way too comfortable hitting on a little boy. The message of this PSA is clear. Trust nobody. If someone needs a helping hand, turn around and run the other way really, really fast.

I find it troubling we don’t have more cheesy PSA’s today, maybe if we did then kids wouldn't be out huffing bath salts and eating the faces off their peers. On second thought they probably would but at least they would do it knowing Peewee Herman’s disappointed in them. If you have any commercials you feel deserve an honorable mention please post in the comments below!

Two Racists Who Need To Stop Talking

What do a crusty old cattle rancher and a high profile NBA coach have in common? They both hate black people. Okay, the redneck rancher is maybe not a big surprise but an NBA coach is probably the most ironic story I've heard in a minute. Both of these individuals have reopened the delicate topic of racism within our society, which is a good thing because it’s clearly an issue that stands today.

Cliven Bundy

I want to start off with Cliven Bundy because his story is so ridiculous it made me laugh. This Nevada renegade got into trouble when he graced us with his brilliant idea to “save” black people:

“I want to tell you one more thing I know about the Negro.”

“In front of that government house the door was usually open and the older people and the kids – and there is always at least a half a dozen people sitting on the porch – they didn’t have nothing to do. They didn’t have nothing for their kids to do. They didn’t have nothing for their young girls to do.”

“Because they were basically on government subsidy, so now what do they do? They abort their young children, they put their young men in jail, because they never learned how to pick cotton. And I’ve often wondered, are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life and doing things, or are they better off under government subsidy? They didn’t get no more freedom. They got less freedom.”

Gee whiz, tell us how you really feel Mr.Bundy.  What you’re implying is African Americans who are unemployed and thrive off subsidized living should revert back to picking cotton because it gives them something to do? Sure, slavery was a bummer but at least they were productive!

Obviously this man is a lunatic but did you know he’s also a hypocrite? Recently Cliven Bundy had a disagreement with the government over unpaid grazing fees for his cattle. This dispute has been going on for over 20 years and his refusal to pay resulted in an armed standoff against law enforcement.

Oh, so you’re cattle can live off government land but African Americans shouldn’t? The difference is some lower income families rely on subsidized living to survive, where as you just don’t want to pay the bill.

Republicans often revered this moron as a gleaming patriot who fought for what he believed in. They used him as a figure to connect with the right wing but quickly went running for the hills when he got a little too comfortable speaking publicly. I understand we all have the right for freedom of speech but that also means I have the right to call this man a withered, uneducated pylon.

Donald Sterling

Owner of the L.A. Clippers has had a long history of having his foot in his mouth. Just last week he was recorded having a conversation with his wife and had some sound advice for posting Instagrams of her hanging out with Magic Johnson: 

“It bothers me a lot that you want to broadcast that you’re associating with black people. Do you have to?”

“You can sleep with [black people]. You can bring them in; you can do whatever you want. The little I ask you is to not promote it on that….and not to bring them to my games.”

“Don’t put him [Johnson] on an Instagram for the world to have to see so they have to call me. And don’t bring him to my games.”

Well that was a fun career while it lasted. It’s safe to say he’s now the most hated man in America. Even his own team showed up to a game against Golden State with their jerseys inside out and wearing matching black armbands to protest his disgusting remarks.

If you don’t want black people attend your basketball games, then don’t own a basketball team. Some people feel his words were taken out of context and that the fact he’s dating a half black/half Hispanic woman gives him a pass. It doesn't.

This wasn't his first case of bigotry either. This is just the first time he will truly answer for his stupidity. Over the years he has allegedly been quoted saying the following:

“I wanna know why you think you can coach these niggers.” (Allegedly said to potential coach Rollie Massimino, 1983)

“I don’t like Mexican men because they smoke, drink and just hang around the house” (On signing Danny Manning, 1988)

“That’s because of all the blacks in this building, they smell, they’re not clean.” (Testimony from a former property supervisor, 2002)

I’m not exactly sure how he got away with allegedly saying this in the past but it looks like his coaching days are numbered. A huge list of sponsors have already disbanded from the Clippers in an attempt to save face. Mercades, State Farm, Red Bull and Kia are just a few that want off this sinking ship. 

I try my best to put ignorance on blast whenever I get the chance because something like racism simply shouldn't exist today. Familiarizing yourself with other cultures is the best way to combat this stupidity. I understand that you don't have to like your neighbors for your own personal reasons but just remember, if you remove the pigment of ones skin you are the exact same build as everyone else on this planet.  

6 of the Weirdest Sexual Fetishes

Sex is without a doubt the main reason why we get up in the morning. We brush our teeth so our smile can charm the opposite sex, we buy nice clothes so we look attractive and we even perform stupid acts of bravado to impress our crush. Being human means we’re all unique so how we get our engines revved depends entirely on the person. Some folks enjoy simple intercourse with the love of a beautiful  partner and others prefer to be whipped senselessly, tied up, while a person dressed as cat woman pours hot wax on your face (how romantic).  At the end of the day there’s no right or wrong way to get your kicks but that doesn't mean I can’t poke fun at the extremely bizarre sexual acts and with that I give you the six weirdest fetishes.

Oculolinctus : Licking Eyeballs

Have you ever met someone and you were instantly turned on because of their beautiful eyes? Have you ever then thought about licking that person’s eye balls? Me neither. This fetish started in Japan from children within the school system getting a little too frisky. Tonguing down pupils quickly spread and even acquired a nickname called ‘worming’. It’s pretty clear the danger involved here, sticking any foreign object into your eye ball, never mind a human tongue can cause damage. If someone has bad breath it’s a sign of halitosis which means they have a lot of bacteria. Harmful germs can get into the eye and cause severe infections.

Paraphilic Infantilism: Being Treated Like an Infant

Now when they made adult diapers I don’t think they had this in mind. Paraphilic infantilism is a rare fetish where an adult gets arousal from being treated like a baby. Typically the ‘adult baby’ prefers to wear diapers and bibs while drinking from a baby bottle. One extreme case was reported by the American Journal of Psychiatry that documented a 20 year old man who would wear a diaper under rubber pants and proceed to defecate in them. The result was being able to achieve an orgasm without even masturbating. Someone with ‘adult baby syndrome’ will hire a fake mother and pay them to take care, feed and give them love. Many even sleep in a large crib.

Coprophilia: A Special Love for Poop

Nothing screams I’m attracted to you like taking a dump in someone’s mouth. This fetish requires you to have a strong stomach because it’s gaining sexual pleasure from defecating on someone or vice versa. Coprophilia is also known as ‘scat’ in the porn world and I’m sure many of you experienced this from the horrors of Two Girls One Cup at some point in time. Scat is based on dominance and is seen as a form of BDSM. When one delivers a mouth full of last night’s Taco Bell it promotes humiliation and control over the partner. The danger is extreme in this case because human feces are a haven for bacteria and disease but the transferring of HIV and Hepatitis are also a considerable risk.

Nosolagnia: Getting Turned on by Anothers Misfortune

This is a very strange preference indeed. Nosolagnia is a fetish involving being aroused from learning that one’s partner has a terminal illness. Yes, you read that correctly. Some people find it attractive to learn that their wife has cancer. Now don’t go shaming these people, many of them feel remorse for this as they cannot help what their brain finds pleasurable. This condition generally goes untreated because it’s rare and those who have it probably keep it to themselves but either way this fetish is really bizarre.

Avisodomy: Sex With Birds

If anyone from PETA is reading I advise you to skip this one. Avisodomy is an attraction to sleeping with birds. This dated back to ancient Greece mythology where a figure Leda, the mother of Troy was raped by Zeus in the form of a bird. There are some pretty disturbing facts about this fetish that would make Big Bird migrate from Sesame Street. Reports claim that people in certain rural areas penetrate their winged friend and right before climax they cut the neck causing the bird to convulse thus making the orgasm much more pleasurable.

Klismaphilia: Your Worst Enema

This act of sexual dominance requires a tube and a bunch of fluid. When a doctor performs an enema they insert a tube into your colon and flush out any undesirable things within your system. Now you can kind of imagine where the ‘sexy time’ might come in for Klismaphiliacs. The Journal of Gastrointestinal Surgery examined a case where a 27 year old patient was using a masonry adhesive called epoxy resin for sexual gratification through the back door. Clearly inserting construction adhesives into your rectum isn’t the safest way to satisfy your needs but the real danger is inserting the tube which can cause ruptures within the rectum. 

If you’re ever looking to spice things up in the bedroom with your partner I urge you to not try any of these but if you're feeling a little bit naughty and want to give it a go, no judgment here. Sex is a complicated and often taboo subject but if it’s not hurting someone or something else then to each their own. 

The Most Awkward Situations and How To Conquer them

Hey..ya...so...what's up

Awkward situations are by far the worst and they're also inevitable. I hate awkward, even the word awkward is spelled...well awkwardly. At some point in your life you're going to encounter a scenario where you want to crawl into a hole and die from embarrassment. I have spent my life dealing with these situations and I've devised certain tactics in order to avoid looking like an idiot. Today I want to impart my wisdom on to you so that one day you can emerge victorious in a socially awkward spot.

Early Eye Contact

Have you ever been walking in the mall and see someone you don't necessarily hate but don't want to talk to at the same time? Your first reaction is to look down at your phone and pretend you're "busy" but then you accidentally look up and lock eyes? At this point you get the head nod and It's too late, you're up shits creek without a paddle my friend. Don't worry though, there's still hope. The difference between a simple walk-by "hey, c ya" and a 10 minute discussion about where you're working is all in the body language. Try walking upright and confidently increase your walking speed as if you're "late for a meeting". Most people will catch on to this hint and allow you to pass by but there's always those few who live to invade your personal space. If they decide to stop for conversation what you need are pre-loaded excuses. I have a stockpile of excuse ammunition ready in case i'm stuck in this scenario, If the person stops simply say "Hey! Good to see you, a wizard gave my cat leukemia so i'm rushing to find healing potions." Clearly don't use that but you get the point.


Three's a Party Until One Leaves

Everyone's been in this predicament. You're hanging out with your good friend who decided to bring a third buddy to tag along. The three of you are engaged in endless conversation and the vibes amazing (three best friends that anyone could have) then...it happens. Your friend decides to take a bathroom break leaving you alone with your new pal. Have you noticed that the conversation at this point goes from talk show to a complete, silent lull? You're both sitting there realizing you have nothing to talk about. The best play here may sound harsh but desperate times call for desperate measures. While you both may have nothing in common you can at least unite over a playful roast of the person who left you out to dry. Don't be harsh, be comical. Say something like "What do you think that assholes doing a number 1 or a 2?" Chances are the reply will be a similar jab and you both can spend the entire time sharing the intimate bonding experience of tearing apart your friend till he returns (Oh, hey you're back! That was fast).

Bailing in Public

Everybody falls, this is a natural part of life. Imagine taking a stroll downtown during the icy winter and you just so happen to hit that one patch of ice that sends you to an early demise. You now have an audience of gawking civilians kicking themselves for not having their camera phones out, so what do you do? Many of you will feel the urge to turn red as a stop light and flea the scene but the rule is if you look awkward chances are people will feel awkward for you. My advice is to stand up, dust yourself off, look one of the witnesses dead in their eye ball and make fun of yourself. Ask them "You're the judge today, how would you rate my fall out of 10?" Most likely they will say something like 8 out of 10 then reply "Oh...well I guess i'll try harder next time." At this point you will make that person smile while taking away from your clearly embarrassing moment and you'll both have a funny story to tell later on.


Waving to the Wrong Person

Whoops! This one hits close to home for me. I spent the better part of my life not realizing that I needed glasses, so I assumed the world was just one big blurry mess. There have been countless times I waved to a distorted blob with similar characteristics of someone I knew but then they emerged and it was a complete stranger. Usually at this point they look at me like i'm about to sexually assault them. Instead of apologizing and lowering your head in shame, just approach the person and ask any question. "What directions North?" at least they'll think you were flagging them down for a stupid question rather than just waving at them like a creep.


Failed Handshakes

Men suffer from this awkward position more than women. As a man we're expected to know a vast list of complicated handshakes ranging from the simple fist pound to a full blown choreographed interpretive dance. The worst part is, everyone's different! Have you ever met someone for the first time and you go in for the fist pound but they go in with the open hand thumb lock? It doesn't work and you're both left broken and lost. This can demolish your first impression especially if you're trying to act cool or something. I find the best way to deal is to once again address the elephant in the room. Say something like "Oh...you're one of those" poke fun at the situation to take a bit of the weirdness out.  "I'm willing to try again if you are." By quickly drumming up a witty response will most likely recover what little dignity you have left and maybe salvage the first impression.

I hope with my past social failures I was able to provide some clear direction on what to do in times of peril. The best way to avoid feeling embarrassed is to act like it doesn't bother you and utilize comedy to change the dynamic of the situation. God speed to all you awkward people out there and remember there is a light at the end of every tunnel.

Reasons Why The Sea Isn't For Me

Humans are by far the most curious beings on this planet. We have the mental capacity to solve any problem that stops us from discovering. Can't fly? We built planes. Can't survive underwater? We made scuba suits. I like how we're able to overcome any obstacle with the power of our mind but I think the oceans vastness are something to leave the fuck alone.

Venturing into a body of water not knowing what's below me is not my idea of adventure it just plain stupid. You can throw me in a pool and i'll be Michael Phelps but when thrown off the side of a boat in the middle of the ocean I stop moving and give my life to Jesus. The reason for my phobia is that they claim we only discovered 5 percent of our planets waters. So..what you mean to tell me is within that small chunk of water we've found some of the scariest nightmare creatures on this planet and there's still 95 percent to go? That's a big hell no for me, with that said let me give you 5 reasons why unknown waters scare the shit out of me.

1) The Lamprey

Nope, I don't trust fresh water giant worm like beasts with teeth like that. This Starwars looking creature attaches himself to fish using suction and then proceeds to drain the bodily fluids out. While it may not present any danger to humans it's said that if it attaches itself to your skin it's hard to get off and it feels really uncomfortable. Would you want this thing on your leg? My point exactly.

2) The Angler Fish

This soul-less, godless sea monster lurks deep within the ocean. This is the animal kingdoms equivalent to a child molester. It uses an attractive decoy like a light to bring their victims close and then exposes their grim looking faces with giant teeth and steal you into their white van...I mean mouth. There's absolutely no reason for a fish to look this scary. 

3) Jelly Fish

This weird looking blob has baffled scientists since it's discovery. They have no brain or central nervous system but they operate as if they do. They patrol every body of water shallow and deep with no purpose but to scare the shit out of me. The Box jelly fish is one of the most dangerous sea creatures "alive" who's harpoon-like, venom injecting tentacles have caused almost 5,600 recorded deaths since 1954. I'll take my chances in my resorts hot tub thank you very much.

4) The Sarcastic Fringehead

Yes this oddly named fish may sound comical to the ear but to the eye it's a cross between predator and the vampire dogs from Blade Trinity. These are extremely aggressive animals who fiercely protect their surroundings against anything regardless of size. If you happen to swim over it's prized real estate (a mound of dirt on a shell maybe) be prepared to see what that mouth does. 

5) The Stargazer Fish

My god this fish is ugly. Not only does it have a face only a mother can love but it buries itself within the sand and points it's mug up to look for prey (or stupid humans). They're capable of catching prey more than double it's size and the fun doesn't stop there. It can also emit an electrical charge from behind it's eye which is more devastating outside water. Thanks nature!

So these are just a few of the reasons I choose the pool, I didn't even touch on sharks because Hollywood has done a good job on scaring us with them. I hope in the rest of the undiscovered ocean it gets a bit better but i'm going to assume the opposite. Next time you see a deep sea diver buy that man a beer. 

Showing You How to Make Kale Chips

Well folks I figure since my names Cale and i'm often compared to the vegetable, I might as well show you guys how to make kale chips. This is a delicious, healthy alternative to traditional chips which will prevent you from being that person on the beach with a t-shirt on.

To prepare this snack is fairly simple, all you'll need is:

• Green or black kale (I prefer black for taste...get your mind outta the gutter) 
• Olive oil
• Sea salt
• Lemon 
• Baking tray
• Water (I sincerely hope you have access to water) 

First preheat the oven to 300 degrees, take the kale and remove the stem in the center. I usually run a knife along the sides of the stem leaving just the leafy part of the vegetable.

Wash the vegetable thoroughly under cold water and make sure you pat it dry. By dry I mean not even a drop of water on it because wet kale doesn't evenly cook. 

Drizzle on a small amount of the olive oil and evenly coat it. It's important to only use only a little bit as it's just to give the kale that crunch. Too much olive oil and it will be soggy. 

Take a pinch of sea salt or how ever much you want and put it on the kale then lay the pieces evenly on a baking tray. Put the baking tray in the oven and leave it for 3 - 6 minutes. 

Frequently check your kale chips, an indicator that they're done will be how crispy it becomes. Take them out and add a few drops of lemon for taste and there you go! Drop the Pringles and start working towards a body you can be proud to call your own. 

I Hate Guy Fieri

Growing up I cooked for some of the biggest restaurant chains in Canada. This has given me a hardcore passion for experimenting on new dishes to cook at home. Many of my ideas come from just having the Food Network on all the time at home as background noise while I do other things. I find the hosts of these cooking shows tend to have similar traits, they're mostly loud, energetic, charming and extremely knowledgeable on cuisines from around the world.  Then there is a little show called Diners, Drive-ins and Dives.

Diners, Drive-ins and Dives is a show about hole in the wall diners that serve up some of the best food in America. The concept is exciting and they do offer a great food porn experience but unfortunately the host makes me lose my appetite.

Guy Fieri is by far the lamest host known to man with his stuck in the 90's style. His hair screams early N'Sync but without the sex appeal of Justin Timberlake (hes more like Joey Fatone) and he wears shirts with flames on them. His loud, obnoxious catch phrases make me want to stick my head on a pan and grill my cheek medium-well. 

Why the hate? Well because I have no idea how he got on the show in the first place. Clearly he likes to eat as his protruding stomach indicates this but he has no concept of how to explain the deliciousness of the food to us viewers. Saying every burger you eat has "a smokiness mixed with the tanginess that's totally awesome" doesn't tell me shit. When ever the guest preparing the dish is explaining it he sits there looking at the food like a hungry fat kid undressing a twinkie with his mind. 

He also happens to think his little quips are the most edgy, coolest things ever said but he just comes off sounding like a total D-bag. One example is when he was at a restaurant and the man was preparing hamburger meat by putting it through a grinder his witty response was "It's like a giant play-doh machine in Flavortown." GOOD ONE! Now pass me the remote before I get cancer. You may not be convinced yet so let me list off some of the best nonsense that has come out of his mouth.

• "I want to be the ambassador to Chimichanga Flavortown" 
• "Dude! I have been stricken by chicken!"
• "This sauce is money"
• "Holy moly stromboli!"

What's worse is this poor representation of Americana owns his own restaurant called Guy's American Kitchen and Bar. Boy am I excited to never go there for his smoky and tangy cuisine. The New York Times recently went to his venue and gave it a whopping 1 star out of 5 stating "How did Rhode Island's supremely unhealthy and awesomely good fried calamari end up in your restaurant as a plate of pale unsalted squid rings next to a dish of sweet mayonnaise with a distant rumor of spice?" (Flavortown bitch!) 

I'm going to wrap this up because if I keep talking about this Ferris wheel carny I will probably commit suicide. If you do want to tune in to this show just do your best to focus on the images of food and try to drown out the annoying, cheesy one liners that come your way.

10 Crazy Facts About North Korea

North Korea should be a planet of its own. A land of enslaved people ruled by a mad dictator named Kim Jong-Un who's hair looks like a 90's teen actor. The following facts about N.K. may surprise, disgust and humor you but always remember that no matter how bad your day might be there are some who have it worse.

1) In Korea its not 2014, its technically the year 103 because that marks the birth of Kim Il-Sung. The supreme leader of the free world for all of eternity, which means he's by law still president even though hes been dead for two decades.

2) If you visit you're not allowed to leave the designated tour zones that restrict you to a bunch of propaganda that hides the crumbling economy. One lovely attraction is a mandatory celebration in honor of the almighty leader. Every role played in these giant parades are assigned to that person for a career.

3) Recently an election was held and there was only one candidate. Congratulations to Kim Jon-Un for that close win. This happens every 5 years and the outcome never changes because no one else is allowed to run.

4) They send entire families to labor camps, three generations in fact and it hurts me to say that this is absolutely true. When one is convicted not only are their kin sent to hard labor but their children and grandchildren have to be born and raised in camp as punishment.

5) Son of the great leader Kim Jong II claims to have scored 11 hole in ones on his first time golfing and a perfect 300 his first time bowling. If you're going to pointlessly lie, at least make it believable.

6) North Korean "researchers" claim that they're the second happiest country in the world. The first being China whom coincidentally are responsible for their economy not taking a complete nose dive.

7) N.K. has a space program (or lack thereof) ironically named NADA which seems to be a blatant rip-off of NASA. North Korea has failed numerous times to send satellites into space and their warheads would barely be able to hit South Korea. What's funny is NADA happens to mean "nothing" in Spanish which is exactly what their space program is.

 

8) They perform ridiculous executions for minor offences. Reports of people being publicly killed in a stadium for offences like reading a bible, watching porn or possession of South Korean movies. Reports also suggest that some brutal ways of carrying out these punishments include machine guns, mortars shells and even flamethrowers.

9) When Kim Jong-Il was in power sometime in the late 70's he became disheartened because no one loved his great country. His solution? Kidnapping a famous South Korean director named Shin Sang-Ok and his actress wife, then forcing them to create a terrible communist version of Godzilla. After they attempted to flea they placed them separately in solitary confinement. Finally years later they found out each other were alive after being taken to a dinner party. They forced Shin to start making films again but this time he took his wife and made a dramatic escape that involved a taxi chase. (they should of made a movie about that)

10) Propaganda is everywhere in N.K. and the problem is that everyone's forced to believe it. They have a distaste for the U.S. so they make it clear who the enemy is by brandishing large billboards and posters around town. Here's an example of a message that says "Do not forget the U.S. imperialist national wolves!"


So after all this if you feel like you want to visit North Korea chances are you need to seek professional help. Please North Korea keep staying classy and keep those lies coming!

Winnipeg Drivers Drive Me Crazy

Winnipeg has done an amazing job of spawning a special breed of asshole when it comes to drivers. In my illustrious driving career I've noticed a few habits that these barbarians have in common. Is it because we have such cold winters? Or is it the fact our roads have become a game of don't sink your car in the pothole? Either way these jerks need to be put on blast so we can begin the healing process.

The Dale Earnhardts 

The speed demons of the road, heavy foot on the pedal and love to swerve in and out of traffic like they're playing Forza on Xbox. You driving the speed limit pisses them off so they tail right behind you, pulling into the next lane and zooming by with a glare on their face like "This is my road bitch." Yeah... here's the problem with that, you hit a red light and I slowly catch right back up to you. They design the street lights so it gives you no real advantage to speed because eventually you will hit a red light and people will pull up right beside you. So what he's doing is assuming all the risk of catching a speeding ticket or crashing his "stallion" without the benefits of really getting to a destination faster. 

Parking Lot Pig 

Why take up one spot when you can take up two? Hell, why not try and stretch your F150 truck across three? Don't be this guy. I don't know if they're paranoid about someone hitting their car or that they just want to display it for the world to see but it makes me want to run my key across the side of their door. There have been so many times when I pull up to Walmart and the lot is full. We all know at this point every car roaming around, searching for spots become your arch nemesis. Finally I see a spot in the distance so I make a go for it and as I pull up what do I find? A stupid Mini Cooper parked right on the center of both lots. DAMN IT! 

Horn Smasher 

Have you ever have made a slight error in judgement on the road like not signaling fast enough before a turn or looking for something in your glove compartment at a red light and not realizing it turned green? There's always that one jack ass who wakes up in the morning praying that he catches someone messing up so he can release the fury of his horn. It's funny because in third world countries, people use their horns as communication to ensure they all drive safe. I was recently in Jamaica and every time a car would approach another, the driver would give a light tap on the horn to say "hey i'm approaching you, please be careful" and as the cars pass they nod at each other. Now come over to Western culture and basically the horn means "Go F*** yourself you ******* *****" because usually after you hear that sound a middle finger is not far behind. Can we just accept that we are human and we make mistakes? If you catch someone making an error a light horn tap or a friendly hand gesture will suffice not a five second long over reaction. 

Tire Squealer 

The tire squealer is that guy who watched one too many Fast & The Furious movies and thinks every red light is an invitation to race for pink slips. They all seem to have the same look too, wearing aviator sunglasses and drive with the seat back and the arm straight on top of the wheel. Look out we have a bad ass over here. My favorite is when they see a group of attractive females walking and they peel off leaving a trail of smoke. In their mind what do they think is going to be accomplished here? Like are the women supposed to instantly get so turned on by his over the top display of bravado that they start running after the car? Save the testosterone for when you're doing bicep curls in your parents basement listening to AC/DC.

Please I beg you, next time you see one of these serious offenders in action put them in their place. They need to know that the road is for getting from point A to point B and all this extra nonsense just makes everyone hate them.

My Top 5 Favorite Video Games of All Time

I love video games. I've loved them since I was little and I have been playing them ever since. It all started when my mother bought me my first gaming system, the Sega Genesis. I remember that was when I stopped playing with toys and I started to game. So with that I’m going to list my five favorite video games of all time, those who made the list congratulations on this monumental achievement.

1) Mario Kart (N64)

I put this first because it’s a given. EVERYBODY loves Mario Kart, this game is still played by many people today as the competitive nature and the all out madness of the levels create some of the best drinking games. The N64 version is my favorite because they introduced 3D levels to the game and made that awesome level where you’re racing on the highway with semi trucks coming the opposite way. The balloon popping versus modes have started so many arguments between me and friends growing up, it was some serious shit back then. 

2) Final Fantasy 7 (Sony Playstation)

This game took countless hours from my childhood and adult life. Quite possibly some of the best story telling in gaming with the shittiest graphics. The world in this game seems so massive and it is considering it spans across three CD's. This game taught me love and taught me loss. Everyone remembers that devastating moment when Sephiroth pulls the ultimate cock block by putting a sword through Aerith's back. That was the first time I saw a lead female protagonist get whacked in a video game and it was hard to deal with. I remember dropping my controller and yelling "SEPHIROTH I WILL SHOW YOU VENGEANCE" Of course, when I finally got to fight him in the ending he completely whooped my ass several times and out of frustration I stopped playing. Twelve years later I picked it up as an adult and finally beat it. Unfortunately the Final Fantasy series began to slowly decline after this game and now were left with a bunch of weird, unoriginal story telling with a horrible combat system. 

3) Resident Evil (Sony Playstation)

Keep in mind this game was released in 1996 so looking back it seems dated with horribly clunky controls but this game scared the SHIT out of me. The scariest part in gaming history was when you're walking down that hallway and out of nowhere a pack of crazy zombie dogs jump through the glass causing you to not only panic but the horrible control system made it impossible for a quick escape. Everyone who played this knows how incredibly annoying it was to have to find keys and emblems laying around this giant house that unlocked new sections. There were some parts where you couldn't find the right piece to a puzzle and would end up wandering aimlessly until you accidentally stumbled upon it. This was still fun because the story was fantastic and you wanted to see what crazy monster you'll have to face next. One more reason this game is so great was the cheesy dialogue that you were forced to hear which is funny when you listen to it now. For example; when you were about to get crushed by a lowering ceiling your comrade chimes in after "You were almost a Jill Sandwich!"...good observation asshole, how about helping a sister out next time. 

4) Donkey Kong Country (Super Nintendo) 

This game takes the award for the most frustratingly hard video game. I remember playing this game for countless hours in the night and trying not to wake my mother up by screaming at the TV. The underwater levels were filled with so much peril and all it takes is two hits (granted you have Diddy with you) before you die. The best levels were the ones on the rail cars where you need lightning fast reflexes to beat. This game had so many secret barrels to jump in and bonus levels it was such a re-playable game. My question is why the name Donkey? Hes clearly an ape but according to the creator Shigeru Miyamoto he said it's to convey that hes a "dumb ape" to American audiences (now you know).

5) Golden Eye (N64)

Bond...James Bond. Having loved watching James Bond movies growing up this game got me excited when it came out in 1995. Having crazy gadgets like the proximity mine that sent bad guys flying in the air was so satisfying but understand that back then shooters didn't pay so much attention to detail in level design and small effects like blood stains where you shoot someone. The best was when you shoot a gun out of an enemies hand and they surrender leaving you to do as you wish to them (sadistic I know). Multiplayer is where this game really shines. Four player split screen with rocket launchers only is crazy as hell. I used to judge people based on how good they were at Bond, if you couldn't handle my PP7's then you ain't no friend of mine.

So there it is, my list of the best 5 games in history. You may agree or may disagree but I encourage you to comment your top five video games ever.

How To Tame Your Pussy (Cat)

Felines have dominated the internet ever since personalities like piano and grumpy cat became overnight celebrities. How can you not love these adorable little sleep disturbers? Cats are the bosses of household pets, they know what they want and they don't really give two shits what you think. If you feed them regularly they will be your best friend but if you neglect them they will let you know (by clawing out your skin). I'm here to share with you what their worst qualities are and how to fix them, thus giving you back control of your humble abode.

Throw away that litter box

The dreaded litter box is the absolute worst part of owning a cat so I will start with this. No one likes going on those litter box treasure hunts with the scoop looking for buried prizes (cat turds), it makes me gag every time. When I first met my girlfriend I used to notice that every time I would go into her bathroom i'd find little bundles of joy floating in her toilet. I ignored this and just assumed she really sucks at flushing after a dookie. Finally when I brought it to her attention she laughed and said that she taught her cat how to use the toilet like a human. I was floored, like what kind of sorcery are you practicing you witch, but then she went on to explain Litter Kwitter. This nifty little device costs about $50 and is a three stage process involving an attachment to the toilet, you then add a bit of litter on the seat so the cat knows to do it's business. Every week you make the hole wider until she's using the seat and voila! After four weeks you have taught your cat to use the toilet. On a side note watching your cat take a leak in the bowl is one of the funniest things ever.

                                               

End door scratching

This is one of the most annoying cat behaviors. I don't know why but cats feel the need to wake your ass up right in the middle of the most erotic dreams. Door scratching has caused me to wake up hours before my alarm and multiple times I felt like shipping my cat to Guangdon, China for someones dinner. There are different ways to handle this situation, one is giving them claw protectors which doesn't stop the problem it only keeps your door from looking like the scene from the shining with Jack Nicholson losing his shit. Cat's have a natural distaste for citrus and tin foil (except when its rolled in a ball, then they fucking love it). We set a large strip of tin foil on the door where she scratches and sprayed lemon juice on it. This worked for quite a while until she finally said in her cat language "No fuck this ill scratch through it." So it was back to square one. Try this method first though because all cats are different. Finally we started digging around for answers using the most state of the art research devices (cell phone and Google) and we discovered that it relates to the feeding schedule. If we feed her at the same time every morning she will get used to this routine, so her breakfast went from whenever we wake up to 10:00 am on the dot. Guess what? Now she claws our door at 10:00 giving us a few extra hours of glorious sleep.

Cats getting turnt up at night

I know these creatures are nocturnal and all but DAMN like can you just chill the fuck out at night? You don't need to Usain Bolt around the apartment at 3 a.m. Cats naturally hunt during the night, so internally they get this sense of purpose to chase nothing which is extremely annoying if you're a light sleeper. The best way to handle this is pretty simple. Give your cat some attention! Near the time you have to hit the hay spend ten minutes just playing, satisfying their need to hunt and tiring them out. This is a great way to ensure you're not starting your day feeling like Gordon Ramsay. The laser pointer is an awesome tool for the lazy, you simply sit there shine a light and let her stalk it. My veterinarian said to guide the light to a toy so the cat can pounce and feel a sense of accomplishment when they catch something. This is important, let your cat win sometimes. Would you want to play a game where you always lose no matter how hard you try? Try this out and maybe your night will be a little more peaceful.

Your furniture = their jungle gym

This problem can be expensive. Cats love to fuck with your prized upholstery, whether its clawing it to nothing or just being on top of it. This solution requires the use of a spray bottle from the dollar store and some water. Fill the bottle with water and every time your cat decides to claw or jump on a table give him a nice shot of H20 to the side. These  absolute clean freaks. You may have noticed that they constantly clean themselves or don't appreciate when you ruffle their fur. When that jet of water smacks them right in the body, their world comes crashing down and they learn very fast to associate this traumatic event with treating your couch like a scratching post (which by the way you should buy too).

Now I know after reading this if you're thinking about getting a cat you are probably disheartened but don't let all this work stray you into getting a shitty hamster. Cats can be the most lovable affectionate little bastards and you'll find that despite all this hard work, these little felines can be a great addition to your family.

Recipe: Drunk Mussels (White Wine Cream Sauce)

This dish right here is so good that you will eat it then want to become a better person in life. The white wine cream sauce will tickle your palate and it basically turns the mussel into a garnish. The recipe itself is simple all you need is:

•     2 pounds of mussels
•     2 table spoons of butter
•      4 cloves of garlic (make sure its minced)
•     ½ teaspoon red pepper flakes
•     1 cup of fresh parsley
•     White wine

Now before I begin let me stress that when buying cooking wine watch out for the white wine vinaigrette. I made the mistake of buying this nasty shit thinking it was white wine but it ended up being wine flavored vinegar and it tasted like diesel fuel.

Take your mussels and put them in a sink. Each mussel has a “beard” that needs to be removed. This little stringy attachment hangs off the shell. Rip them out and when they start screaming whisper “it will all be over soon.”

Take a stockpot, preferably a massive one and melt your butter over medium heat. Toss that garlic in and watch it simmer for 30 seconds. Throw in your red pepper flakes and stir for a minute.

Add a bit of wine and taste, then add as much you want till it tastes good (well no shit). Bring the sauce to a boil and then throw in those mussels.

Stir them around for a bit then put on the cover. Go hug a loved one and sing your national anthem then come back and check the pot. If the clams are cooked their shell will naturally open. Any closed shells means that it’s not ready to eat.

Chop and stir in the parsley and then serve in a bowl with the broth pooled in it. If you feelin’ fancy, you can grill some foccacia bread and dip it in.

If you are cooking for a date impress her with this savory dish, she will think you’re a professional cook and mussels are also an aphrodisiac (thank me later).

Growing Up Bi-Racial: 5 Statements That Deserve a Backhand

As a half Jamaican/French Canadian I've noticed during my come up that I dealt with a lot of racism. Now it’s not the type of racism you see in movies like 12 Years a Slave, this is more subtle and often accepted racism fueled by ignorance.

It’s odd because in my generation we are so connected with social media and in tune with each other’s cultures you would think we would have a better understanding of racial differences but that doesn't stop people from saying the most ridiculous shit. So without further ado I give you the 5 most annoying statements that piss me off:

1) “You’re such an Oreo!”

For those who don’t know, this means I’m black on the outside but white in the middle (get it? Like an Oreo?!) Now this one really irks me because what they are suggesting is that my aptitude for the English language contradicts their perception of a black man who they only know from watching 50 cent movies and listening to Lil B. Since when did the universal language of a black man become a string of broken English and street slang seen in today’s rap culture? That would be AMERICAN. I've been to the states countless times and to my knowledge people black, white, orange and green speak in that kind of American accented broken English (not all but some).Now many times this is used as an insult. Since when is having a solid grasp of the English language considered un-cool or not “hood”? Stringer Bell was a notorious gangster in the HBO show The Wire and not only was he educated, well articulated and business minded but he scared the shit out of the hardest thugs. How about you pick up a fucking book and move past the way someone speaks before you jump to conclusions.

2)   “Which parent is white?” 

 Does it matter? Every time I answer that my father’s white they are suddenly surprised. “Oh wow that’s so different” Yes there’s a stereotype that black guys love white women but why is it so weird if its vice-versa? Let’s just forget the fact that color is involved, a man loved a woman and procreated this fine specimen speaking to you now. I like to think they were attracted to more than just the color of each other’s skin.

     
3)  “You’re supposed to be good at basketball!” 

Okay let me just keep it all the way 100, I suck at basketball. I've never been good at it and even when I played on the junior high team I spent 95% of the time benched. Since I’m HALF black this seems to be surprising to many clueless individuals. Yes the NBA has a surplus of African American behemoths but this is because many of these vertically gifted few grew up in a low income urban environment where the only thing keeping them from jail or worse was a court and a ball. These success stories are what make the NBA so great but at the same time it puts an unfair expectation to the rest of us middle-class colored folk. I’m fucking awesome at Tennis (so I think) but there’s no award given to me for that.

4)   “I have a black friend named _____” 

So some of these gripes are not technically strictly a bi-racial issue as I’m sure full black people experience this on a daily basis but it’s still annoying as shit. Why do people have to throw in that they have a black friend? Does this give you more street cred? If so, many of my friends are black so I guess if we add them up then divide by the amount of white friends and multiply by the number of Hispanic/ Indian friends I should be some kind of O.G. How about you tell me about your FRIEND because I could not give one single fuck about what color he is and if he’s cool enough maybe…just maybe ill grant you some coveted “black street cred”.

5) “LOL why do you tan?” 

Let me just clear this little misconception up, just because I have black in me doesn't mean I cannot tan. When I’m at the beach in Winnipeg for the three weeks of the year that we can actually go, I like to lay my ass in the sun. I’m not trying to change my skin color I’m simply just laying my ass in the sun. I personally suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) which is a depression caused from the lack of sun during winter. During the winter I purchase tanning minutes because the light helps me battle this debilitating mental issue. When I do this my skin actually gets darker in the process (what a surprise!!!) and my mood stabilizes. Don’t let the fact you’re colored stop you from wanting to tan, the benefits go beyond just cosmetic purposes. Don’t ever be ashamed to try and better yourself physically or mentally because some ass hat has a fucking useless opinion.

If you take anything away from this rant I hope it’s to think before speaking and to put yourself in the other person’s shoes before firing off these redundant questions.