How To Tame Your Pussy (Cat)

Felines have dominated the internet ever since personalities like piano and grumpy cat became overnight celebrities. How can you not love these adorable little sleep disturbers? Cats are the bosses of household pets, they know what they want and they don't really give two shits what you think. If you feed them regularly they will be your best friend but if you neglect them they will let you know (by clawing out your skin). I'm here to share with you what their worst qualities are and how to fix them, thus giving you back control of your humble abode.

Throw away that litter box

The dreaded litter box is the absolute worst part of owning a cat so I will start with this. No one likes going on those litter box treasure hunts with the scoop looking for buried prizes (cat turds), it makes me gag every time. When I first met my girlfriend I used to notice that every time I would go into her bathroom i'd find little bundles of joy floating in her toilet. I ignored this and just assumed she really sucks at flushing after a dookie. Finally when I brought it to her attention she laughed and said that she taught her cat how to use the toilet like a human. I was floored, like what kind of sorcery are you practicing you witch, but then she went on to explain Litter Kwitter. This nifty little device costs about $50 and is a three stage process involving an attachment to the toilet, you then add a bit of litter on the seat so the cat knows to do it's business. Every week you make the hole wider until she's using the seat and voila! After four weeks you have taught your cat to use the toilet. On a side note watching your cat take a leak in the bowl is one of the funniest things ever.

                                               

End door scratching

This is one of the most annoying cat behaviors. I don't know why but cats feel the need to wake your ass up right in the middle of the most erotic dreams. Door scratching has caused me to wake up hours before my alarm and multiple times I felt like shipping my cat to Guangdon, China for someones dinner. There are different ways to handle this situation, one is giving them claw protectors which doesn't stop the problem it only keeps your door from looking like the scene from the shining with Jack Nicholson losing his shit. Cat's have a natural distaste for citrus and tin foil (except when its rolled in a ball, then they fucking love it). We set a large strip of tin foil on the door where she scratches and sprayed lemon juice on it. This worked for quite a while until she finally said in her cat language "No fuck this ill scratch through it." So it was back to square one. Try this method first though because all cats are different. Finally we started digging around for answers using the most state of the art research devices (cell phone and Google) and we discovered that it relates to the feeding schedule. If we feed her at the same time every morning she will get used to this routine, so her breakfast went from whenever we wake up to 10:00 am on the dot. Guess what? Now she claws our door at 10:00 giving us a few extra hours of glorious sleep.

Cats getting turnt up at night

I know these creatures are nocturnal and all but DAMN like can you just chill the fuck out at night? You don't need to Usain Bolt around the apartment at 3 a.m. Cats naturally hunt during the night, so internally they get this sense of purpose to chase nothing which is extremely annoying if you're a light sleeper. The best way to handle this is pretty simple. Give your cat some attention! Near the time you have to hit the hay spend ten minutes just playing, satisfying their need to hunt and tiring them out. This is a great way to ensure you're not starting your day feeling like Gordon Ramsay. The laser pointer is an awesome tool for the lazy, you simply sit there shine a light and let her stalk it. My veterinarian said to guide the light to a toy so the cat can pounce and feel a sense of accomplishment when they catch something. This is important, let your cat win sometimes. Would you want to play a game where you always lose no matter how hard you try? Try this out and maybe your night will be a little more peaceful.

Your furniture = their jungle gym

This problem can be expensive. Cats love to fuck with your prized upholstery, whether its clawing it to nothing or just being on top of it. This solution requires the use of a spray bottle from the dollar store and some water. Fill the bottle with water and every time your cat decides to claw or jump on a table give him a nice shot of H20 to the side. These  absolute clean freaks. You may have noticed that they constantly clean themselves or don't appreciate when you ruffle their fur. When that jet of water smacks them right in the body, their world comes crashing down and they learn very fast to associate this traumatic event with treating your couch like a scratching post (which by the way you should buy too).

Now I know after reading this if you're thinking about getting a cat you are probably disheartened but don't let all this work stray you into getting a shitty hamster. Cats can be the most lovable affectionate little bastards and you'll find that despite all this hard work, these little felines can be a great addition to your family.