Winnipeg Drivers Drive Me Crazy

Winnipeg has done an amazing job of spawning a special breed of asshole when it comes to drivers. In my illustrious driving career I've noticed a few habits that these barbarians have in common. Is it because we have such cold winters? Or is it the fact our roads have become a game of don't sink your car in the pothole? Either way these jerks need to be put on blast so we can begin the healing process.

The Dale Earnhardts 

The speed demons of the road, heavy foot on the pedal and love to swerve in and out of traffic like they're playing Forza on Xbox. You driving the speed limit pisses them off so they tail right behind you, pulling into the next lane and zooming by with a glare on their face like "This is my road bitch." Yeah... here's the problem with that, you hit a red light and I slowly catch right back up to you. They design the street lights so it gives you no real advantage to speed because eventually you will hit a red light and people will pull up right beside you. So what he's doing is assuming all the risk of catching a speeding ticket or crashing his "stallion" without the benefits of really getting to a destination faster. 

Parking Lot Pig 

Why take up one spot when you can take up two? Hell, why not try and stretch your F150 truck across three? Don't be this guy. I don't know if they're paranoid about someone hitting their car or that they just want to display it for the world to see but it makes me want to run my key across the side of their door. There have been so many times when I pull up to Walmart and the lot is full. We all know at this point every car roaming around, searching for spots become your arch nemesis. Finally I see a spot in the distance so I make a go for it and as I pull up what do I find? A stupid Mini Cooper parked right on the center of both lots. DAMN IT! 

Horn Smasher 

Have you ever have made a slight error in judgement on the road like not signaling fast enough before a turn or looking for something in your glove compartment at a red light and not realizing it turned green? There's always that one jack ass who wakes up in the morning praying that he catches someone messing up so he can release the fury of his horn. It's funny because in third world countries, people use their horns as communication to ensure they all drive safe. I was recently in Jamaica and every time a car would approach another, the driver would give a light tap on the horn to say "hey i'm approaching you, please be careful" and as the cars pass they nod at each other. Now come over to Western culture and basically the horn means "Go F*** yourself you ******* *****" because usually after you hear that sound a middle finger is not far behind. Can we just accept that we are human and we make mistakes? If you catch someone making an error a light horn tap or a friendly hand gesture will suffice not a five second long over reaction. 

Tire Squealer 

The tire squealer is that guy who watched one too many Fast & The Furious movies and thinks every red light is an invitation to race for pink slips. They all seem to have the same look too, wearing aviator sunglasses and drive with the seat back and the arm straight on top of the wheel. Look out we have a bad ass over here. My favorite is when they see a group of attractive females walking and they peel off leaving a trail of smoke. In their mind what do they think is going to be accomplished here? Like are the women supposed to instantly get so turned on by his over the top display of bravado that they start running after the car? Save the testosterone for when you're doing bicep curls in your parents basement listening to AC/DC.

Please I beg you, next time you see one of these serious offenders in action put them in their place. They need to know that the road is for getting from point A to point B and all this extra nonsense just makes everyone hate them.