Reasons Why The Sea Isn't For Me

Humans are by far the most curious beings on this planet. We have the mental capacity to solve any problem that stops us from discovering. Can't fly? We built planes. Can't survive underwater? We made scuba suits. I like how we're able to overcome any obstacle with the power of our mind but I think the oceans vastness are something to leave the fuck alone.

Venturing into a body of water not knowing what's below me is not my idea of adventure it just plain stupid. You can throw me in a pool and i'll be Michael Phelps but when thrown off the side of a boat in the middle of the ocean I stop moving and give my life to Jesus. The reason for my phobia is that they claim we only discovered 5 percent of our planets waters. So..what you mean to tell me is within that small chunk of water we've found some of the scariest nightmare creatures on this planet and there's still 95 percent to go? That's a big hell no for me, with that said let me give you 5 reasons why unknown waters scare the shit out of me.

1) The Lamprey

Nope, I don't trust fresh water giant worm like beasts with teeth like that. This Starwars looking creature attaches himself to fish using suction and then proceeds to drain the bodily fluids out. While it may not present any danger to humans it's said that if it attaches itself to your skin it's hard to get off and it feels really uncomfortable. Would you want this thing on your leg? My point exactly.

2) The Angler Fish

This soul-less, godless sea monster lurks deep within the ocean. This is the animal kingdoms equivalent to a child molester. It uses an attractive decoy like a light to bring their victims close and then exposes their grim looking faces with giant teeth and steal you into their white van...I mean mouth. There's absolutely no reason for a fish to look this scary. 

3) Jelly Fish

This weird looking blob has baffled scientists since it's discovery. They have no brain or central nervous system but they operate as if they do. They patrol every body of water shallow and deep with no purpose but to scare the shit out of me. The Box jelly fish is one of the most dangerous sea creatures "alive" who's harpoon-like, venom injecting tentacles have caused almost 5,600 recorded deaths since 1954. I'll take my chances in my resorts hot tub thank you very much.

4) The Sarcastic Fringehead

Yes this oddly named fish may sound comical to the ear but to the eye it's a cross between predator and the vampire dogs from Blade Trinity. These are extremely aggressive animals who fiercely protect their surroundings against anything regardless of size. If you happen to swim over it's prized real estate (a mound of dirt on a shell maybe) be prepared to see what that mouth does. 

5) The Stargazer Fish

My god this fish is ugly. Not only does it have a face only a mother can love but it buries itself within the sand and points it's mug up to look for prey (or stupid humans). They're capable of catching prey more than double it's size and the fun doesn't stop there. It can also emit an electrical charge from behind it's eye which is more devastating outside water. Thanks nature!

So these are just a few of the reasons I choose the pool, I didn't even touch on sharks because Hollywood has done a good job on scaring us with them. I hope in the rest of the undiscovered ocean it gets a bit better but i'm going to assume the opposite. Next time you see a deep sea diver buy that man a beer.